


no closer to heaven.

by otonashidesu



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Regret, Sadness, Why cant I write happy stuff, i made myself cry???, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 19:05:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13464618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otonashidesu/pseuds/otonashidesu
Summary: He wished he could’ve had more time to realize, more time to tell Akira, and maybe that would’ve turned the whole thing around. But the hands of the clock is just one of the many things he cannot change.





	no closer to heaven.

He remembers the first day he met Akira. The bright eyes, the extended hand ready to help him -- he never felt deserving of that moment. Even years later, after forming the strongest bond imaginable with the boy, he never felt like he had ever earned that bond. Akira was naive, too helpful, too compassionate as a child, and even as a teenager. In some ways, Ryo feels as if he was taking advantage of it longer than he thought, for more reasons than he thought. Maybe that’s what made it sting just a little bit more.  
One thing he noticed almost instantly when he first met Akira, was that he cried a lot. When they were both young, Ryo thought it was just because he was just a huge wimp, but, as they grew older, and especially now, he realizes that Akira’s never cried for himself. He’d never put himself into consideration, only those around him. He’d cried for everyone, the people he didn’t know and the people he loved. He was selfless and beautiful, dignified and innocent.  
He cherished those moments where he was friends with Akira. The joy of the moment, watching Akira laugh, the way he would throw his head back and clap his hands together when he ran out of breath. They were irreplaceable. Ryo hopes that Akira never once doubted their friendship. All the times they shared -- they were real to Ryo. They were more than he could’ve ever hoped to have. He just hoped that Akira thought that way until the very end.  
He realizes too late how everything he did to protect Akira was hurting him instead. He wanted to see Akira live, to have just the two of them, together, living in a harmony no one could interrupt. He wanted to see Akira become a Devilman so that when the world had collapsed, they could at least still have each other.  
He still holds his body as if he were still alive, still with him there. His tears splash hot and heavy on the tanned skin, but the body under him never reacts. Nothing ever changes. Ryo wanted some way to bring Akira back. But he knows his fate -- he cannot create, but only destroy. He is just Satan, a reject of heaven. He knows that he never once deserved Akira Fudo. Everything he’s ever done has been in vain. Even when he thought he was protecting the only person he cared about, he ended up destroying him with everyone else, too. He’d ruined everything, he was alone again. Wasn’t this what he wanted? No, he wanted Akira with him, too. He wanted Akira to see this world, to live with him in it.  
Even now, he realizes how selfish he’s being, how he knows that Akira would hate this world. But he doesn’t care, he needs Akira back. The tears feel as if they never dry, or maybe that’s just because they never stop flowing. Ryo cries, he shows more emotion than he’s ever felt he was able to. He cries and screams bloody murder for the boy he lost, his best friend, the one who trusted him the most..  
He realizes too late how much he loves Akira. When he realizes this, it feels as if the world he’d destroyed had fallen directly on top of him. He’d slip his fingers into Akira’s cold, dead hand, and wish that there was still some kind of warmth there. Ryo had always thought that there was no such thing as love, and along with that, there was never any sadness, either. It was what he had thought before, but now… he regrets it all. He wished he could’ve had more time to realize, more time to tell Akira, and maybe that would’ve turned the whole thing around. But the hands of the clock is just one of the many things he cannot change.  
“Akira…”  
He already anticipates no response.  
“I love you.”


End file.
